last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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