just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
