This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
