I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
A bitchslap is in order.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
