the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
