nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
