every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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