Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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