4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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