Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
