i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
40s are totally the cure
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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