I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize