i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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