So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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