apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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