Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this beer tastes like vomit already
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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