john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Every concussion has its silver lining
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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