Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
