I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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