My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you win again, gameday.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
