The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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