I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
