I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
