I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
