Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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