If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
