I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
