If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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