I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
