Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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