Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
