I wish I could punch you in the face.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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