last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
