I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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