I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
