I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
