My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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