2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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