They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
