This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
