My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
