I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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