Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
