Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
