peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize