i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
