I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
