Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
