My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
