We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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