Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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