Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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