Your mouth is God's brothel.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
