so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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