and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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