i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
