i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Randomize
