Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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