I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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