From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
porn star boner night. come get it.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
