i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
