I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
