True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
sarcasm needs its own font
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
