i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
