my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
